BITTER SWEET

I am not the perfection and never be
but you made me complete and you come keep me company
I hope you’ll be there in the end of my journey

It’s whenever I shut my eyes
I found you and I found bitterness and sweetness
at the very same time

It’s whenever I hear your voice
I don’t have a choice
but melting underneath my skin

You are not the sexiest man alive
and you’re probably not the every women’s dream
but you, just you is enough for me

You’re there on my mind, a whole day through
Darling, you have enough everything for me
don’t need anything else, just love me

Don’t worry about anybody
cause nobody
will take me, cause you got me whole and fully

You’re there in every breath I take
You’re always there in every word I say
You’re there in my eyes, my star
You’re always be there, in a special hidden place in my heart

I keep piling the boxes in front of my eyes so then I won’t see
your lies, your mistakes and all the wrong things you’ve done for me
cause I still waiting for you to change, cause I still see somebody that used to love me, whenever I stare at you quietly.

I’m not deaf, I just don’t to hear anything
not your voice when we’re arguing
not when you’re screaming
nor when you silent

But I wanted to speak, say something
but no matter how hard I try, those seems to always words disappear in my throat
guess it retreat to my heart and it’s aching
seems like I don’t own enough nerve and just let those words floats

But I don’t think you’ll gonna understand
I’m afraid if you just don’t get it and it’ll only makes you mad
so I think it’s better to keep it instead
and then wait again until you to make up your mind
and figure out and understand

Selamat pagi..
untuk sang mentari yang masih tetap hangat menyapaku pagi ini.
untuk para hati yang belum terjamah sinar matahari
untuk para hati yang tersakiti
untuk para hati yang masih dengan setia menanti
dan para hati yang masih tetap meyakini

Selamat pagi..
untuk para pujangga yang masih berkutat dengan sajak dan puisi
untuk para pengais rejeki dini hari
untuk para tuna susila yang baru pulang untuk tidur pagi dan menunggu malam lagi
untuk para mahasiswa yang kurang tidur untuk bergelut dengan skripsi
untuk para guru dan abdi masyarakat, semoga kalian selalu dilindungi

Selamat pagi..
untuk Ibu, Ayah dan saudaraku, “apakah kalian masih sehangat yang dulu pagi ini, dengan celoteh dan kesibukan rutin kalian di pagi hari?”
untuk para sahabatku, “kapan kita kumpul dan nongkrong bareng lagi?”
untuk kekasih hatiku yang belum juga menyapaku pagi ini, “belum bangun juga ya sayang? bangun dong udah pagi nih”.
untuk para pengagum rahasiaku dimanapun kalian berada, “kalo jodoh ga akan kemana, tentuin aja dulu nasib kalian dipagi ini”.

Selamat pagi..
untuk Indonesia, sabang sampai merauke dan jajaran pulau-pulau
“apa kalian siap untuk menantang mentari pagi ini, dan berjuang bersama menjadi bangsa yang disegani sekali lagi?”

Selamat pagi DUNIA….

Aku akan pejamkan mata sejenak untuk kemudian mengesampikan keegoisan. Keegoisan yang telah mengikis kepercayaan. Keegoisan yang membuatku lemah berfikir dan sungkan memaafkan.
Aku hanya ingin diam sejenak, untuk mungkin aku akan dapat rasakan damai. Diam saja disitu, jangan ganggu aku dulu dan jangan berputar atau berbalik arah. Aku akan menutup mata ini sejenak (atau berlama-lama) untuk meluruhkan amarah dan dendam yang selama ini aku simpan dan untuk mengikis emosi dan masalah yang datang silih berganti. Aku ingin diam saja sejenak dan menyanyi atau menari (masih dengan mata terpejam) hanya dengan alunan melodi, untuk sedikit meregangkan otot-otot yang tegang, otot-otot yang kaku, dan jiwa yang rapuh. Karena musik selalu menjadi candu, menjadi obat penenang diantara pikiran-pikiran yang berenang-renang dan melayang di langit-langit otakku. Aku bukan ingin bersandiwara tapi menjaga norma dan budaya yang ada.
Aku bukanlah pendobrak, pemberontak, aku adalah sebagian dari jiwa yang pengecut yang sulit untuk buka suara, yang selalu bingung dan kelu untuk mengungkap sebuah cerita. Tapi sedikit saja aku akan menutup mata dari setiap hal yang ada, dari setiap roda yang berputar, dan setiap pembicaraan yang tentu saja masih terdengar.

Karena aku tak ingin mengeluhkan apa yang terjadi, aku hanya butuh waktu sejenak untuk berfikir dan menelaah, mencari celah, mencari sela, mencari terang. Kemudian mungkin aku akan berbicara dengan cara yang lebih sederhana, dengan arti yang bisa lebih mudah dimengerti, dan dengan hati-hati sehingga tidak ada hati yang tersakiti.

Aku selalu mencintai hujan, jika saja hujan datang tanpa halilintar.
Suaranya jatuh dan menyentuh bumi adalah salah satu hal terindah dan tersyahdu yang pernah kudengar selain doa lirih Ibu.
Wangi tanah yang ia ciptakan adalah wangi yang mungkin terwangi yang pernah aku cium.
Hal terindah adalah mencium sang kekasih dibawah deras hujan.
Hal tergetir adalah terisak dibawah hujan.
Hal terbahagia adalah menari dan menyanyi dibawah hujan.
Seakan bocah yang tak kenal lelah, tergelak seiring riuh rendah hujan.
Dan hujan malam ini akan perlahan mengantarku ke alam mimpi, mimpi indah, mungkin mimpi tentang hujan.

Every time I feel sad,
I do feel like crying
but I was thinking
If only it’s worth something
If only I’ll draw a rainbow from those tears
so it wouldn’t frustrate you and make you happy instead

So I will try
not to cry
not this time,
cause when you feel weak
I’ll be strong for you
and I will not leave your side
unless you want me to
cause you’ve taught me how to
be strong

Hurting me doesn’t make you a dickhead,
It’s just hurting me so bad
and I’m so sad

                           But see what KARMA will bring you, SON OF A WITCH!

Bolehkah aku menari seakan aku gadis kecil yang tak pernah rindu akan pagi?
Izinkan aku menyanyi atau mungkin hanya bersenandung saja hari ini.
Untuk lewati sepi, hatiku sunyi.

Bolehkah aku minum dari bibirmu?
Biar rasa kita menyatu, biar kau reguk rasa pahit dan kelu dibibirku,
telan keraguanku, dan mari bercumbu.

Bolehkah aku sentuh jemari tanganmu satu persatu,
seakan aku membuka lembaran baru bagi diriku yang tak lagi utuh,
dan belailah aku sayangku.

Bolehkah aku rebahkan diri dipundakmu?
Untuk lepaskan beban dipundakku, dan pening dikepalaku
biarkan aku..

Biarkan aku menari, bernyanyi untuk lewati sepi
Biarkan aku minum dari bibirmu dan reguklah pahit dan getirku.
Biarkan aku sentuh jemarimu untuk buka lembaran baru.
Biarkan aku sandarkan diri dibahumu biar hilang semua beban dan pening dikepalaku.
Karena aku butuh kamu..
                                   Karena kamu cuma satu untukku

Jika aku datang padamu,
dengan membawa segenggam kenyataan,
apakah kamu akan sanggup untuk menerimanya?
bagaimana dengan cintamu yang apa adanya?
karena hatiku ini telah kuberi sepenuhnya
untuk kamu jaga,
apakah kamu akan rela?
apakah kamu akan rela dengan kenyataan yang kubawa?
apa kamu bisa?
untuk terus dengarkan aku bicara
karena kali ini aku tidak akan berdusta,
aku tidak akan mangkir,
kali ini aku apa adanya
kali ini aku adalah pemainnya
dan kamu hanya akan menonton saja
berupayalah menjadi penonton yang baik,
jangan dulu mengeluh,
jangan dulu berteriak gaduh,
simaklah hingga akhir ceritanya
kemudian kau boleh bertanya mengapa
kemudian mungkin akan berderaian air mata
atau mungkin akan ada gelak tawa
karena aku..
BERSANDIWARA

Oh come on lay here next to me,
on this far far away land of our fantasy
you can bring all of your memory
but not a sad story

Just lay here under these coconut trees
and let the sun peeking through its leafs
and let the ocean breeze,
sweep your hair quietly

and when the sun sets
we could watch it fade
we could kiss and made a cute silhouette
and kiss again til late

when the sky turns dark
we can go to the park
sitting on the old bench
and feeling it clench

or we can watch the stars
that perched so high
probably drive so far
on our antique car

Anything my love
anything to make you not wanting to leave

Everything my dear
cause I got nothing to fear

It happened again, when she tried to shut my eyes, those memories flashed, whenever she faced the fucking mirror, it’s reflected.

       “What have I done to my self, I know alright that I made this life running, not the life running me and I know as hell that I am not the only pity titty that suffer from what life has brought, but still it’s funny,absurd and shady. So I’m telling you Michael that I really hate you and you gotta be sorry later, and all of you brothers who have ruined my fucking childhood and turned it into nightmares. I get really sick of it sometimes that I just wanna bury myself in a fine soil or else sinking my head into the fucking ocean, cause what I carry here is some heavy shit. At this goddamn point, I really want to scream at everyone so then they would know that I am such a pity patty whiney baby, I am just a fucking liar, and I am so rotten inside. I wanted them to see my dark fucking side, I wanted them to see that I am such an asshole, such a pervert, such a mess, that I am so fucked up inside, but my cowardice has bound my fucking tongue and so then I could look honorable in front of the society”.

With that she tiredly close her eyes and fell asleep.

What if the kiss is just the K.I.S.S

What if the kisser is just a LIP LOCK-ER

What if miss is just the M.I.S.S

like MISS-COMMUNICATION and MISS-TER

What if you is just another HEART BREAKER

What if I end up (again) being a LOSER

What if love is just the L.O.V.E,

What if lover is just the L. and its OVER

I forced my brain to stop thinking emotionally, cause it’s really starting to get scary. Every time I lay my head on the pillow, I feel that destructive hollow. Am I getting insane? Am I the one who felt this way?
I insisted my eyes and ears to shut, cause it feels so hard to cut, all that thoughts and all that sounds. Sometimes I wanna be deaf and I wanna be blind, or probably being retarded, I wish I don’t feel anything, no pain, no hurt, no thoughts, probably for a day.
I am wanting to be a dick, and proudly say that I am. Fuck whatever people think, I’m just living my life, just being some random human being. I believe in nothing.
Is there any way I can get out even for a day from this world, probably I should go to some random planet, and meet some random creatures and probably share thoughts with them, wander around and else.
Would it be cute if I fell in love with them, or probably just the way they were thinking. So what if they think weirdly, I love being weird. Because sometimes nobody could understand me, no one could understand what am I gonna be, they teach me, preach me, mock me, fuck me, leave me, and left all shits on me.
What is so wrong? Is it me emotionally?
Why is it always wrong, whenever I try to be somebody, with responsibility, with manner, with curiosity, is it wrong with my way, or is it just something wrong with me? 
Sometimes for some reason I just wanna quit, not exactly give up, just quit, and begin and enter the new life, still wondering what it will feels like.
I think I’d go fuck myself again tonight, and be respectable woman again tomorrow, with a suit, and heels to walk on, without everyone knowing that I’m just a piece of shit inside out.

You standardize your perceptions about work, about those files on your table, about those thoughts that almost fall out from your head, you’re so nice, but you’re so unbelievable. You makes sure nothing is wrong and looking back to re-check if everything is alright.
You sit on that table, working the fucking full stress hour. I adore your hard work, and I enjoy watching you, but hey, YOLO!
Can’t you just relax a little and feel the rhythm of clock ticking, telephone ringing, bitches gossiping, machines working and voitures honking.
For God sake, chill out a little and sip that coffee that getting cold on your table and just have a conversation. Man YOLO! What if you die tomorrow, and what?! You’ll never be happy and only left sorrow!

I so wanted to taste you, the every inch of you.
Am I a good teaser? No, but you.
You don’t have to do anything to tease me,
cause your every move is a turn on for me
I’ll be glad if you would like to taste me
having your jaw between my legs and then tell me
how do you like it..

some people just can’t see,
some people can only underestimating
some people just didn’t understand
and all they do is judging
by what they see, by what they hear,
some people just wear their ego like their favorite clothing,
some people laughing at something they don’t even understand
some people crying for no reason sometimes
some other people hurting..
some people trying to be something
while other people enjoying their already luxury living
some people are lacking
some others are overwhelming
some people might think
that others are nothing

I feel like Alicia Keys singing, it’s just what I’m thinking about people really..

Some people do something,
they drawing,
         painting,
              singing,
                  crafting,
                        modelling,
                              posing,
                                    posting,
                              writing,
                         reading,
                    smoking,
               giggling,
            laughing,
          crying,
blah blah blah-ing,

                                               ME??
                    I AM ENJOYING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DOING,
                             AND LIKING (PUSHING THE HEART SHAPED BUTTON)

I don’t like sarapan eating nasi,
I want cereal or probably just roti
Yeah I know I’m kinda picky
It’s the same when I talk about lelaki,
I wanted him to be hot and to be funny
Everyday I go kerja but I’m still nobody
still have not enough money
to go to college, to be somebody
to buy blackberry
to buy a house and live in luxury
but I have something to offer, it’s my loyalty
Jangan you tanya lagi
because I’m so weary

If you ever found her,
wherever she might be
I want you to not forget about us, about you and me
at the world that separated by space, and not by time
a little space with a dim light
but that is enough for us
that’s enough to made us happy
because that’s just about us
so humble, so earthy and so ordinary
and that’s the way I want you to remind us
and then I’ll watch fly and run at the dusk
holding her palm tightly
and I’ll only be silent, watching you smile, so happily
and I’ll leave without you knowing
hoping she is me
she could be me,

Jika nanti kamu temukan dia,
dimanapun dia berada
pastikan kamu tidak akan pernah lupa
akan adanya kita
di dunia yang hanya terjamah oleh waktu, bukan ruang
diruang yang terisi oleh sedikit saja cahaya
namun itu saja cukup bagi kita
itu cukup untuk buat kita bahagia
seperti itulah kuharap kau kenang kita
kita yang begitu sederhana
kemudian akan aku biarkan kamu terbang dan berlari di suatu senja
menggenggam erat tangannya
aku hanya akan diam, dan melihatmu begitu bahagia
kemudian aku akan perlahan pergi tanpa kamu sadari
dan aku berandai jika saja aku adalah dia
mungkin aku adalah dia

As I said I am not trying to comfort you as I can not comfort my own self. Everyday seems to be just another dew, that stumbled upon the grass. We know everything will be over, but we are forced to walk, and talk, and think, and sing, until we sink.
So why should I be busy comforting you, cause I already knew that we’re feeling the same, not that I’m not anymore into you, it’s just because I knew.
So if those bullshits brings you down, you can cry, and I could pretend to care and give a shoulder for you to crash on, cause then I knew you’ll be just fine, and smiling again, or laugh at some stupid thing or that stupid people, or else laughing your own stupidity. So what if you’re losing and you’re scared, it’s fun to feel that shit, feel how complex our mind is.

Why should I worry, why should I bury the memories?
Cause I really got nothing to worry, and those goddamn memories
are gonna be there forever,
long as I’m living
be there, be the color of my dreaming
be the lesson of my life
be the part of my journey to maturity, to reality
and when I die, it’s gonna be history
gonna be the talk, between somebody

I am stuck and high in filthy way, so high that I thought I reached the milky ways. I am sweating and you’re still not moving, are you dead? I’m moaning and screaming your name, still you’re seems to not listening, are you deaf? I can’t hardly catch my breath, but you’re still not breathing, why are you really dead?
You just make my precious time go wasted, you’re not enjoyed it, probably you’ve had lost the taste, you’ve lost the spirit and the emotions, probably you’re numb.
So fuck you! I’ll be gone by now and left you with your own world. You can ruin your own world, but not mine, I have so much precious life worth a living, unlike yours.
I’ll leave you with the tasteless and useless mind.

I am so weary but I liked it, I liked how I’m sweating. I am so into this shit, I am addicted to this one pain. Call me a fuckin retard, cause I don’t mind, I don’t even give a fuck. Cause everything is just a subtle dream, that’s probably why I am straightly standing while I’m sleeping. Probably when I die, everything will turn upside down or turn out to be normal, well even I don’t know what normal really means.
Limbs work like a dubstep shit, and a weird kind of heartbeats.
I am so weary, I’m wearing that shit again, as I don’t know how to describe it, I am complicated, wish you’d understand it, and tell me how is it.